Saturday, June 17, 2006

First Cruise, and first bump in the road...

ok... so many things to say, not enough time to say it.

- First port of the first cruise tomorrow, Grand Turk.
- I saw Martha Stewart with my own eyes a few days ago, she is the Godmother of our ship. Its a good thing.
- I am melding with everyone nicely, finally...good friends come in bunches.
- Its 3am, and I have to be awake in 3 hours to shoot gangway. Ugh.
- Going to the Caribbean! yay!

having said this very moment anyways, i havent been this depressed and alone for a very long time. there ya go, i said it. first REAL negative comment on this blog for a while. I cant get into it too much, and i dont really want to. Everything is fine, but the main thing is this: out of nowhere today, i got this uncontrollable feeling of being utterly alone. wah wah, i know, fuck off... i am sure its just temporary, maybe its the 3080 passengers giving off negative energy, who knows. Maybe I have a negative-genie-in-a-bottle, and i rubbed it the wrong way when shooting ressies today....who knows? it rarely happens but it does happen...I miss Grit so much. I have photos taped up above my bed of her and every night just before i go to bed i turn on the ipod, and look up at her... i tell myself that i am here for me........and her.... and no-one else (besides the creditors)...when it all boils down to it, I need to be happy. that can be argued til the cows come home, but thats the answer when all is said and done. I need to be happy, no matter what. She made me happy. She made me feel things that i HAVE felt before (everyone says HAVENT felt before....but i am changing it). I HAVE felt love, I HAVE felt peace, and I HAVE felt like every day should be a Sunday morning in bed with the woman I love.... and now, I really can't picture anyone other than her to be sharing that with. And now, I am here... in the middle of the ocean, with good friends (granted), and a good job (ditto), and i have NOW been to Venice (alone...but fuck it lol).... and I want some fairy to come down, wave the wand, bring my debts down to zero and throw a one way ticket to Germany in my hand, and I am not talking about going to see World Cup.

I think I just twisted the knife. I am halfway across the planet from my real home.

diese Frau ist mein Sonntag Morgen
(this woman is my Sunday Morning)

blah. bedtime.


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